Supporting children in the family

Tell them, in the right words

Use the real name of the illness. Euphemisms like 'poorly' or 'sleeping' create confusion and fear — a child told that granny is 'sleeping' may become terrified of bedtime.

Give the three reassurances children need: it is not your fault, you cannot catch it, and someone will always look after you.

By age

• Under 5: very simple, concrete, repeated. Expect regression — bedwetting, clinginess. Keep routines identical.
• 5–8: understands illness and death as permanent but may believe thoughts cause events. Correct magical thinking explicitly.
• 9–12: wants facts and details. Answer honestly, in installments, and allow questions later.
• Teenagers: may withdraw, act out, or take on adult roles. Give real information and real choices, and watch for a teenager quietly becoming the carer.

Practical things that help

• Keep school informed — one email to a named teacher.
• Protect routine: same bedtime, same school, same football on Saturday.
• Give them a specific job in the caring, if they want one — small, safe and optional.
• Let them visit if they want to, prepared in advance: 'There will be a tube in his arm, and the room beeps.'
• Let them see adults cry, and then see adults recover. That teaches feelings are survivable.

When to get help for a child

• Sustained change in school performance or friendships.
• New aggression, self-harm, or talk of not wanting to be here.
• Physical symptoms with no medical cause — stomach aches, headaches.
• A child taking on adult responsibility for a parent's wellbeing.