Communicating with the person who is ill

Principles that hold up

• Follow their lead on how much is discussed, and check in again — the answer changes week to week.
• Ask before advising: 'Do you want ideas, or do you want me to listen?'
• Tolerate silence. Sitting with someone is a form of speech.
• Talk about ordinary life too. People who are ill get exhausted by being nothing but patients.
• Do not correct their feelings. 'Stay positive' usually means 'please stop making me uncomfortable'.

Phrases that help

• 'I don't know what to say, but I'm not going anywhere.'
• 'Do you want to talk about it, or think about something else?'
• 'What would make today easier?'
• 'I'd like to help with X on Tuesday — does that work?'
• 'That sounds really hard.' — and then stop talking.

Phrases to retire

• 'Everything happens for a reason.'
• 'You're so brave' — used as a way to close the conversation.
• 'My aunt had that and she…' — other people's outcomes are not reassurance.
• 'You just have to think positive.'
• 'Let me know if you need anything' — replace it with a specific offer.

When they do not want to talk

Respect it and stay present. Offer a low-pressure channel — a message, a walk, doing a task side by side. Many hard conversations happen in cars and kitchens, not in formal sit-downs.