Anticipatory grief
Hope versus realism
Families are often told to choose between them. You do not have to — most people hold both, and doing so is protective.
PatientCaregiverFamily
Dual awareness
It is entirely possible to hope for more time and to prepare for less of it. Clinicians call it hoping for the best while planning for the worst, and it is associated with better outcomes for families, not worse.
Preparing does not cause the death. Refusing to prepare does not prevent it — it only removes choices later.
When family members disagree
- One person's 'realism' can feel to another like giving up on their mother.
- Agree that no one has to abandon their hope in order for practical preparations to happen.
- Let the patient's own stated wishes settle disputes wherever possible.
- Use the care team to give the same information to everyone at once.
- Where views cannot be reconciled, a social worker, chaplain or family therapist helps more than another argument.
Practical preparation that respects hope
- Advance care planning and preferred place of care.
- Power of attorney, will, and access to accounts.
- Which treatments they would and would not want, in writing.
- Funeral or ritual preferences, if they want to say.
- Passwords, keys, and where important documents live.
Where to go next
Afya Companion offers education and self-help support. It does not diagnose, treat or replace care from your doctor, nurse, psychologist or dietitian. If something in your health changes, speak to your care team.