The common emotions

What people report most

• Sadness that arrives in waves, triggered by small ordinary things.
• Dread of a specific moment: the phone call, the last breath, the empty chair.
• Numbness — feeling nothing at all, and fearing that means you do not care.
• Hyper-attachment — an urge to record, photograph and memorise everything.
• Irritability with the person, with other relatives, with strangers in car parks.
• Relief at the thought of an end to suffering — theirs and yours.
• Tenderness and love more intense than you have felt in years.

Why the feelings contradict each other

You are losing several things at once, at different speeds, and each loss has its own emotion. Grief for the person they were, fear of the death to come, anger at the illness, love for who is still here.

Contradiction is not confusion; it is accuracy.

What helps

• Say it out loud to someone outside the household.
• Write the sentence you would not say in front of them.
• Let waves pass rather than analysing them — most subside in minutes.
• Keep something in the week that is not about illness.
• Do not compare your grief to anyone else's; there is no correct dose.